


The inevitable.

by MashuraDi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, M/M, Not a native english writer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 23:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashuraDi/pseuds/MashuraDi
Summary: When things unfold in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe in another universe there is a version of them being happy.This is basically Lucifer & Castiel's thoughts in S12E23.





	1. Lucifer's P.O.V.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Renezinha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renezinha/gifts).



> Thanks for beta-reading this, again, [Renezinha](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Renezinha) <3  
> This thing will only have two chapters, the second one will be with Cass' pov.

Who would have thought things would end up this way.

I still remember when I came out of the cage the first time, and you were there. You weren't alone, but you were there. Proud of who you were and your choices, as long you knew you were doing it for the right things. Fighting for mankind, even when you knew it was a 'mission impossible', for not only my children, but for most of our siblings who were following a script wrote by our own creator and father.

Such a peculiar, little soldier.

So beautiful.

So brave.

So _loyal_.

I swear I could see myself behind your eyes, we were so alike.

I wanted you by my side, and that's why I tried to lure you to come to me. To find me.

And even back then, things didn't end quite well.

I loved you, and I cared for you even when my memories of the past were quite messed up because of my time in the cage... but I couldn't love you enough to stop myself from hurting you, killing you... after you, so _boldly_ , dared to hurt my older brother.

 

Oh, Michael... Even when I hated what he did to me, I still loved him, and that couldn't be changed.

You couldn't change it, not at that time at least.

 

It all changed just recently, after that fight we had in Limbo? In that small, little cage they built to contain me for that particular _chat_. I was expecting Sam to come and find me -and perhaps, maybe Dean-, that was the _plan_... But of course you would tag along, wouldn't you?

Sam and Dean's loyal partner in crime and _guardian angel_. Of course I should have _known_.

 

I know I made mistakes, but I tried to make things _right_ in that moment. I swear I was offering my help to stop the Darkness, but Sam... Sam wouldn't listen.

And I know no one would have believed me, since... I am the _Devil_ , right? They will always use that against me, but I had to try.

And I'm not going to lie now, of course I also wanted to get out of the cage as well, it was just the perfect opportunity. _They. Needed._ _ **Me**_ _._

But then again, my one true vessel refused to let me in, and with that, condemned us all to Amara's will. I tried being nice, but that wasn't enough. And sometimes... desperate times require desperate measures.

So I hurt him. Again.

And _again_.

 

And then you showed up. Dean was with you, so I had to point out at him first.

I tried to avoid looking at you directly at first because I was mad, with Sam, with everything. Things weren't going as I wanted to, and to make things even worse, _you_ were there.

It shouldn't have affected me because, like I said, I should have known you'd be there. Everything and everyone were against me, and I was just tired.

I wonder if you at least still remember the fact I tried to talk to you again, and convince you I was needed. I wanted you to believe me... But you didn't. Not at the beginning.

So we _fought_.

 

You need to know that I would have prefered to avoid that, since I was never fond of hurting you. Despite everything we went through... I still liked you. You were different, and that's precious for someone like me.

Imagine my surprise when, all of the sudden, you asked me directly if I could really beat Amara. In that moment, you were willing to trust me and my answer, otherwise you would have never said _Yes_ to _**me**_... _Right_?

I chose to believe that, and for that I answered honestly with what I thought in that moment.

That I _could_.

The Darkness was still weak, and so I thought I still had a chance against her... Even when I was wrong.

But I didn't lie to you, brother. You must know I did not.

 

Thing was that you made me feel like I wasn't alone for the first time in millennia. You said Yes to me, and gave yourself over for the greater good. Sharing a vessel with an archangel... you knew it was going to hurt, but you didn't care. You sacrificed yourself for the cause, and I couldn't be more proud of you in that moment.

And then... things began to change. The Winchesters thought I was a threat and tried to lock me in once again. They tried to get you back.

 

They tried to steal you from me.

And I, obviously, refused to let that happen.

 

I know I was selfish... but I didn't want them to take away the little happiness you made me feel just by choosing to stick with me for once.

For once... I wasn't alone.

 

I should have known that letting my hopes up high could be a mistake. And I don't know were it started to go wrong, but... when I wanted to realize, we were set apart again and...

 

No one seemed to _care_.

 

 

Now I see myself in this _alternate reality_ , and think about those times. I see myself, and what I have become. The monster you all wanted me to be, perhaps...?

My last attempt to try to make things different and find a place where I could belong ended with that human, Kelly. Using her to procreate a child was my last hope... and yet, of course everyone else had to disagree with that _idea_.

 

I know I said I would continue smashing father's already broken toys after what happened. I was angry, and no one seemed to be there for me. So why should I care for the rest?

Still... it hurt everytime I had to see your face, at how _you_ looked at me in disaproval.

What _changed_ , little brother? Why did the connection _have_ to change?

We were doing great and then...

 _Well_.

 

Thing is that I was dealing with doubts regarding what I was supposed to do. Kelly made me think that maybe, the solution to my problem was to raise someone on my own like a real child, and with that, change the fact I was looking at everything like it was _meaningless_. Living, dying. Heaven, Hell. The _world_.

But they had to continue trying to lock me up inside the cage, and I couldn't bear it.

 

Then I had to fall in a way inimaginable by being Crowley's little _pet_ , and why? Because he took things personal. Even when he was the one who started it all by believing I was going to destroy his kind years ago. He rebelled. He ran. He was glad to see me locked in the cage and take over Hell. Not that it mattered for me, I never liked Hell, nor having to take care of it. But it was my responsibility, so even when I didn't like it, I tried to watch over things while I was around.

You started it, child, and yet... You blamed me for demanding a little respect out of you.

I had to make you see you just don't _fuck_ with me, if just only you behaved like a good demon, nothing bad would have happened to you. Even when not all demons like me, I leave them alone. At least they don't disrespect me, but oh, Crowley...

 _You_...

You just couldn't let that _go_.

 

Anyway, I had to bear with one of my own creations making fun of me, and when I finally got out of there, all I had planned was to get my son back.

He was all I had left. My last hope.

 

I didn't like to find out that you, little brother, were now watching over him and his 'mother', so the first thought that came through my mind was that you were also trying to take that away from me.

And yet... I still didn't want to fight you. Not _again_.

 

 

I saw you moments ago, and it was hard having to look at you in the eyes.

You were there with the boys, trying to stop me. Trying to push me away from my kid. My son.

_But still... I didn't want to fight against you._

Yet my mouth moved on its own, and the words that came out of it clearly said that I was going to fight you as well if you were so insistent to get in my _way_.

 

I see Dean on the ground, and my child who now came back.

I knew I hadn't killed him, but I pretended like I didn't know in order to give him one last chance to back off.

Watching him killing himself to give your so called 'friends' a chance to get away with their plan, made me even feel sorry for him.

Demons were never meant to behave this way, but then again, I'm aware that sometimes there were particular demons, I myself, enjoyed having around. Meg was one of them. Azazel, even when I didn't agree with his methods, at least he was loyal. And now Crowley was sacrificing himself for the _Winchesters_.

I couldn't get it.

 

In the middle of all my thoughts and frustration, when I thought things couldn't get more awful, you came _back_.

Dean screamed at you asking you to stop, while Sammy, dragged him away.

 

And oh... the expression in your face somehow surprised me.

Were you angry?

Why I'm even asking when, deep down, I already know the _answer_?

 

It didn't change a thing the fact it _hurt_.

 

You broke something within me then, and even when I could have stopped you from stabbing me with the angel blade, at some point I wanted to try to stop you, to look at you in the eyes.

I wanted to see if you were really willing to do something like that, after what we went through in the last year.

And maybe... maybe it was just _me_.

Maybe you really... never cared for me like _I_ wanted to believe.

 

Holding your wrist was merely an act of pure reflex, I wasn't even gripping you tight, hence why you were able to sink the blade on my vessel's skin.

 

And yet... I _still_ didn't want to fight _you_.

 

It wasn't the blade what forced me on my knees in that moment, you should have known a normal angel blade cannot kill me, brother. Not even if you stab me in the heart, which you seemed to _miss_ as well.

What it hurt in that moment was _realizing_ that I was really... _alone_.

 

I had _lost_ you and you just thought better to get rid of me to save the world, I assume.

Because yes... I did say it was in my plans to start another apocalypse, since I just didn't care. For anything.

That didn't _mean_ I wanted to fight you.

 

I couldn't see your face when I lifted my gaze. You were already walking away, trying to reach the door towards our own universe.

You didn't look back, brother. You should have.

 

 _Castiel_...

Why?

 

Your name came out of my trembling lips in such a miserable, and pitiful whisper. My tears didn't matter, I could't feel them on my skin, not anymore.

And before I knew it, I was on my feet again. Trying to reach out to you, but...

 

I was wrong.

 

The moment I realized I had stabbed you with your own blade, my mind was somewhere else. I was broken inside, but in the outside I was... smiling.

It seemed fine to make fun of the situation, to make others see I didn't care.

Because in the end... I couldn't care. Not anymore. Even if I wanted to... I just couldn't.

 

“That was fun.”

 

No, it _wasn't_.

Even when in my plans now was to destroy it all.

 

_If I can't have you, then no one else will._

 

But don't worry... I might end up joining you in death soon enough.

 

 

 

_Can't anyone hear me?_

 


	2. Castiel's P.O.V.

_I'm sorry.  
_  

That was the feeling that came across me the day Michael cast you out.

And it's curious, because we are not supposed to experience these feelings, we are not allowed to feel. Emotions only makes you weaker, it makes you hesitate. Something we cannot do, for we are soldiers, and we must _obey_.

Always.

But somewhere deep within me I knew there was something _wrong_.

 

You had to stay trapped in a cage for millennia, suffering, and waiting for the day in which Michael was supposed to _end_ you.

Of course that at that time, I had no idea of this. All we knew was that if someday you got out, we would have to fight you, to _stop_ you.

We didn't know it was the same _Michael_ who allowed your freedom.

 

And so, the day in which the seals were finally broken, we all felt your grace. It was... Scary for most of us, but for me... not so much.

And I wasn't sure _why_ was that.

 

My rebellion against Heaven had a cost, and just like you, I was cast out.

I remember experiencing huge sorrow, and this sorrow made me think of you.

Even if for a brief moment, I thought of _you_.

 

Tricking me into believing you were a reaper, you lured me to follow you in Carthage, Missouri. You greeted me like a brother, and that got me off guard.

How could you still call any of us like _**that**_ after knowing we were your enemies?

I was meant to be your enemy, but for some reason, you thought otherwise. In that moment I wasn't able to think in anything else that wasn't about our time back in Heaven, and at how I ended up in the same way. Rebelling against Heaven's rules because I couldn't believe that our Father was the one behind it all. Even when in a way, he _was_.

In the end, wasn't all a big _test_?

It wasn't until I realized I was trapped in holyfire that my mind began to work again. I thought you were going to kill me... Why would you do anything else, right? You were against our _Father_ , against _us_ , against _mankind_. And taking in fact I was helping the boys, I... assumed you wanted me dead because of that. But all you tried to do was to have a _chat_ with me. You tried to make me see your point of view, even pointing out that, just like _you_ , I was a _rebel_. An enemy to Heaven, and that soon after Heaven was done with you, I was going to be _next_.

The whole thing still was fresh for me, and after all... I was used to be a soldier, and nothing more but a _soldier_. Obeying Heaven's orders. Trying not to think out of the box.

I also remember how Meg used to look at you. I found intriguing the idea that she really seemed to show more than just _respect_ for you, behind her meatsuit's eyes, I could sense love and _true_ care. And you... You really seemed to like her as well, and that thought only brought more theories into my head.

I still remember myself trying to reach you in that situation, after having to listen to you saying that your vessel was wearing _thin_ , like throwing the hint you needed _Sam_. We all knew by then -in the group I was part of,- that he was meant to be your true vessel, so I just couldn't let that happen... But it wasn't that what pushed me forward in that moment. I tried to convince myself that it was a sudden, mere reflex because I was worried for Sam, and that I had to do something about it right away like... _attacking_ you, but deep inside I know it was something else. Something I tried to cover later.

It was an impulse, yes... But It was me, willing to _plead_ and ask you to stop.

 _You can't do this_ , I thought. _You can't._

I wouldn't have cared if you killed me then, but somehow, I had the impression you wouldn't do it. You just looked at me, and I... I was ashamed.

I was ashamed for so many things at that point... And I had to force myself over and over again not to fall into the temptation to agree with you. Your words seemed to have sense, but I... I couldn't just do what you wanted me to do.

_'I'd die first.'_

  
You were our enemy, and that was all. I had to stand by Sam and Dean. I had to protect humanity. The Apocalypse couldn't just happen.  
  
I remember wishing for things to be _different_.

You were so alluring, brother... So hard to _resist_. Your words so soft, and gentle.

I understood part of your pain even back then, but I was... Well. I couldn't allow myself to _believe_ you. To _feel_ for you like that.

Not back then.

 

It was a surprise as well to realize you loved Michael the way you did, even after all that had happened between you two. And by trying to stop you from fighting him -and start the Apocalypse-, you killed me.

I wasn't mad at that -not that I could _feel_ or _think_ about it since it all happened in a snap of fingers,- but when I came back, new and improved, I knew it had been my fault. I got involved in something I was meant to stay away, but who would I be if I had done that?

No... That's _not_ who I am.

 

It were difficult times, and just wishing for things to be different wasn't enough. You were back in the cage, and that was for the best, I thought. Even when it kind of hurt.

I couldn't help but see myself in your shoes at some point.

Rebelling against an order had a price, and I was meant to see that by myself time later.

 

I... continued living, _existing_ , and making mistake after mistake.

There were times I thought I was doing the right thing, when I was not. Sam and Dean turned their backs on me more than once, but they had their reasons. Especially Dean, after I messed things up with Sam.

I remember taking Sam's madness as well, and you were there. Well... The image Sam recognized as you at least. It was a mere aftertaste of what he was enduring with, but then that image of what it was supposed to be you, abandoned me.

I remember being scared at the beginning, and then... this sensation of unhappiness after you were gone.

 _Insane_... I know.

I was insane, but it was nice. Having you like the voice of reason sometimes, and then... just company.

Not even Meg could understand the times I told her the reason behind my smiles.  
 

“ _Lucifer agrees with me.”_  

“ _With what?”_  

“ _It's beautiful... All that thorny pain.”_  

“ _Poetry, Clarence? Really?”_

 

I made mistakes, and it seemed I was going to keep on doing them. I know I _betrayed_ you, and I'm _sorry_ for that, brother, I really am.

 

I was surprised, just like everyone else, when the Darkness was released. At how it all led to you, and how I knew I was meant to do something about it as well. More when Sam and Dean were involved in it.

And I could understand Sam, and what he did in the end. After the last years walking the Earth, after I had the strange luck to become human and experience things I never thought possible of... I realized more about their _strong_ emotions and feelings.

The mistake was already done, and now we had to fix it... We had to talk to _you_.

Even Sam was having visions, thinking they were being sent by our Father.

But it was you... It was all _you_ , brother.

And like always, we got you _wrong_.

  
After the fight in Limbo's cage, and after seeing you try once again to convince me we _needed_ you, I thought about it. Dean wasn't going to let Sam say Yes to you, and Sam had shown by then that he wouldn't give in.

But you needed to get out in order to beat Amara, so I did what they did not.

I said _Yes_.

  
Choosing to believe in you was a hard choice, but I couldn't help myself to follow my instinct that time around. I wanted to give you a chance when no one else did, and you didn't dissapoint me... Until you tried to hurt Sam.

That was the only time I tried to fight you back, while sharing the vessel with you.

But I understood your anger, and your pain even _then_. I could understand you a lot better while sharing that confinning space. A vessel that was meant to hold me, but not you.

There were times in which you would show around, and we would talk. These times were scarce, but I appreciated knowing you were _there_ , trying to form a bond with me all over again.

And that's why I was more at ease later on, and was only mostly waiting for the moment in which I would have to join the _fight_ against the Darkness, with my friends...

With _you_.

Things were _good_ , and I remember when you let me take over to give my opinion on the matter. I had opened my mouth to tell our brothers I would have done it all over again, and by that I meant saying Yes to you. Because it was the _right_ thing, and not only in my _heart_. God was on our side, and you were also fighting for _him_.  
  
Things were good. And then... They were _not_.

They changed.

... And I got _scared_.

  
Amara had managed to rip you from my vessel, and I felt _lost_.

... _So_ lost.

I didn't know where you were and if you were even alive, and we still had to fight Amara without you. There was a moment I thought of trying to seek out for you, but the situation wouldn't allow it. And even when that crossed my mind, when I was working with Dean on something and he attempted to dig and know how I was feeling about it all -but especially about what I had to experience with you in 'the front seat' as he put it,- the words that came out of my mouth were the total opposite of what I had said before to our siblings back in Heaven.

You gave me the chance to help you out, to gain them and make them join into the fight since they couldn't just trust in you, and I had said I was _with_ you.

And then I was saying I was _stupid_ for taking that choice of letting you _in_.

... I guess I was just trying to reassure Dean as well, and like always, wanting to apologize for whatever mistake I could have done. In the end, Sam and him could have been killed by you while wearing my vessel, and in that second I had regreted my choice, _part_ of me at least.

They were my friends and you had no problem to _kill_ them, or so you said...

But... I knew you were angry. And I could understand your _sorrow_.

The fact that you have been carrying with the hate of the world and the rest of us over your shoulders.

The thing with Sam as well, when he was meant to _understand_ you, for he was _part_ of you. You might haven't told me about it, but I _felt_ it. This _feeling_ of rejection and anger when he was talking to _you_ thinking it was _me_. When he was willing to _trust_ so hard in me, knowing he never had even tried to give _you_ a chance...

I _know_... I know it hurt.

Your emotions were so overwhelming, even when trying to keep them for yourself.

In fact... It was _that_ what allowed me get control back for at least a moment back then, and make you stop from hurting Sam.

I knew you weren't capable to kill him deep inside, but I... obviously couldn't just watch him suffering while you had his soul at your _mercy_ , brother.

Perhaps... Things would have been different if I had tried to look up for you when no one else did. When not even our _Father_ did. After giving you the apology you wanted to hear for so... so long, things were meant to be _okay_. But no one cared, and for that... I'm sorry.

_I'm so sorry, brother._

_I should have tried harder.._.

   
  
I saw you break in front of me more than once, but your words managed to cut _deep_ when you said we all had ditched you. It hurt even more when you were saying that, and pointing at Sam and Dean... Looking at _them_ , but not at _me_.

You were... Ignoring me, and I couldn't bear it. Because I knew I was part of that too.

And maybe... maybe that's why I constantly jumped towards you. Fighting you as well only to see if you were going to kill me like once in past.

But you didn't. You were constantly pushing me away. You forced me on my knees and made me watch while you were there... Talking to them, expressing your agony.

Sam and Dean only teased you, seeing your vessel was falling apart. And then...

Then you were _gone.  
_

  
Maybe I could have done something...

You said that God, Sam _and_ Dean's words meant nothing for you now but... You did not say that to _me_.

Maybe this was you... trying to tell _me_ to do something about it...? You always wanted to have me by your side, so... Maybe if I had... said something in that... moment...

Maybe if I had done _something_...

 

Things went south even more when you came back, you have had decided to have a child with a human, and then not only us were trying to find you, but also the rest of the angels. A nephilim with your power scared us all, and then I thought...

_Why?_

Why now, this... _child_?

So many things were on my mind, and I was so confused... Even after thinking you were back to the cage, when it wasn't like that.

At that time, I had already decided to protect this _child_ , turning against Sam and Dean's wishes even, after realizing this nephilim wasn't _bad_ and... the thought of you still around _shocked_ me.

 

I had _faith_ in this kid, and for a brief moment I thought that maybe, and just _maybe_... Things could change for _good_.

If I was there, by your _son_ 's side, and you knew it by any chance... Then _maybe_...

But it wasn't like _that_.

 

You made it clear you would try another Apocalypse attempt and, at this point, you were _mad_. You said this to Dean but then... You looked at me right in the eyes and I... didn't know _what_ to do.

I thought it was going to be pointless to even _try_ to talk to you, I assumed you were too far gone after seeing you _encouraging_ the battle and I... that's why I teamed up with Sam and Dean again to stop you.

And I bet that... it surely felt like another _stab_ for you.

  
Yet again, you pushed me away. _Again_.

You did not kill me and just focused your attention on Sam and Dean.

 

I didn't understand why you behaved like that with me.

But there was something even worse that I couldn't understand... And that was me, going to the alternate world to stab you with my angel blade.

I know that... deep inside that was me trying to hold you down in that world so you wouldn't come back to ours to spread _chaos_. I know that was me as well, trying to...  _protect_ Sam and Dean.

But part of me... Part of me wanted to walk off the battlefield.

  
I knew that an ordinary angel blade wouldn't kill you, but maybe... maybe it would be enough to _complete_ the mission. I hated myself as well, just knowing I had to push you away from your own child, trying to make you _stay_ in this alternate universe. And it hurt seeing you in the eyes the moment I sank the blade in your vessel's flesh...

You could have stopped me, but you... didn't.

I felt your cold touch on my wrist and I thought, even if for an instant...

_Maybe... Maybe I can still do something._

_Maybe... I can try to... get you into_ **reason**.

But this did not happen as well, and when I wanted to realize, I was trying to get away. Trying to go back to our world before the doorway was closed.

  
I knew you were on your knees, looking at me while I walked away...

I could hear you say my name, calling out to me... Wanting to reach out...

And I could also sense you trying to get _up._

All of this, eventually, broke something within me. I never was one to shed tears, but in that moment I am pretty sure that a tear or two rolled down my cheeks, and they were... warm...

 

_So it's okay, brother... It's okay._

 

I think I've... never felt how it was to die by an angel blade, so... It was different. And unlike other times I... felt pain this time.

But I wasn't angry at this outcome, in fact... I was expecting it.

All this time, after realizing I was hurting you by doing nothing to save you... All I wanted was for you to give me an end, once and for all.

I thought I deserved it.

I was too afraid to step up, and do as you wanted, and for that I am so sorry... I'm sorry I let you down.

 

_Lucifer..._

I'm so sorry.

 

 

 

_I **heard** you... _

_And I did nothing._

 

 

I wish I had told you that I did _care_ and, just like you had told me once while sharing my body, that I _loved_ you as well

... _**Brother**_.

 

 

 


End file.
